You know, you don’t have to wear a lot of eyeliner or have sex in a graveyard to be a goth on the inside. I’ve spent years obsessing about death and the meaninglessness of life, but like, in a fun way. I wear my life like a loose garment! When the cold hand of death comes pointing it’s bony finger at me, I’ll open my arms, twirling and laughing like I’m in a shampoo commercial.
“Bring it on,” I’ll say.
Listen, we all live, we all die. Everything you’ve ever done or said or worried about will be forgotten. You might even come back again as another person, having forgotten about yourself now. What I’m saying is what makes life so funny is that it’s all meaningless! Hilarious, right?
Just trying to lighten the mood before I tell you all how you’re going to die.
ARIES: JET-SKI ACCIDENT
When an Aries kicks the bucket, you’d better believe they’re gonna do it going fast. Whether it happens on a jet ski, motorcycle, or in the middle of some very rapid rebound sex, their death bound to be a tour-de-force departure; an Expiration Celebration, if you will. As they lived, so they will die: enthusiastically and without caution.
TAURUS: BURIED ALIVE
All Taurus people love their things. We can’t necessarily blame them. They’re very cute people, with their cherub faces, wide eyes and cutesy knick-knacks. They gather up stuff like germs on a first-grader, and getting rid of it might require a reality TV crew, or possibly even an exorcism. Unless of course you’re too late, and poor Taurus is found clinging to a dead cat under a pile of dusty books & antique cooking spoons.
GEMINI: HANDS BITTEN OFF
Every sign in astrology has a ruling body part. For Gemini, it’s their hands. Geminis are very curious, express curiosity by touching things. If you take them on a date to the zoo, they’ll reach into the bars of the monkey house and get their hands ripped off. While they bleed out, you can read them this article. Do it quick, before their life force runs dry. Gemini’s are great at multi-tasking, so bleeding profusely while listening to a story is right up their alley. They’ll probably thank you for the distraction.
CANCER: FALLING OF THE ROOF, YELLING, “I’LL FIX IT MYSELF!”
Cancer, you are entirely too self-reliant. I know you truly believe that no one is as capable as you, but actually though, a lot of people are. A lot of people are actually way more capable than you.
Chances are, you’ll kick the bucket tackling a task you aren’t equipped to handle, like fixing a hole in your roof because “everyone’s trying to rip you off,” or taking self-prescribed mood changers because “therapy is too expensive.” On the bright side, you can also pay for your own funeral with all the money you saved playing Mr. Fix-It.
LEO: HAIR STUCK IN SUBWAY DOORS, MID-FLIRTATIOUS GESTURE
People might call you conceited but you’re not, Leo. You’re just really, really, really attractive and you know it. Beware of those good looks though; remember how Narcissus drowned staring at his reflection in the water? That could have been you. Not that anyone stops to look at nature anymore.
You’re more likely to kick it taking a selfie while crossing an intersection, or flipping that gorgeous mane of yours over your shoulder ,right into the closing doors of a subway car. Messy, right?
VIRGO: DIES OF UNDIAGNOSABLE STRESS-RASH
Feeling uneasy, Virgo? Of course you are! Not that anyone would know it. You’re not the type to act out in some emotional outburst. Virgos don’t wear emotions on their sleeves — you wear them INSIDE your body in the form of hives, headaches, or indigestion. You’re not going to throw a tantrum like a baby, you’re going to bottle up those emotions and let them turn into cancer, like a real adult!
LIBRA: MURDER-SUICIDE PACT
Think Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, Sid and Nancy. While they are beautiful, tragic stories of a love too precious for this cruel, cruel world, they have one thing in common: Everyone involved was crazy, and severely in need of therapy.
Love is actually NOT all that you need, Libra. You also need logic, so you don’t end up dying like a sad sack of shit in a co-dependent story book only teenagers can relate to.
SCORPIO: JUST SUICIDE
Really, there’s no surprise here. Scorpios are not strangers to death. In fact, death (of one form or another) seems to follow them wherever they go, throughout their lives. Whether it comes in the form of personal transformation, loss or near-death experiences,
Scorpios know that to experience death is to be reborn; and for that reason, they ain’t skeered. It’s waiting for Death to make a move that makes a Scorpio crazy, so they may just have to take matters into their own hands.
SAGITTARIUS: CLIMBING EVEREST, LIKE AN IDIOT.
I know you LOVE to travel and do crazy things Sagittarius, and I’m not trying to piss in your lemonade, but there are things you can do without risking your life. There are places you can visit where you won’t die of typhoid, jungle hemorrhoids or hypothermia.
Not that you’ll listen to me in the middle of whatever vision-quest you’re embarking on next. No, you won’t be satisfied until you’ve been starved to the point of cannibalism, so we can all enjoy the next dying-on-a-mountain movie made about your life. You silly goose. I can’t even stay mad at you.
CAPRICORN: FAKED DEATH TO SEE WHO SHOWS UP TO THE FUNERAL, RESULTS CAUSE ANEURYSM
Capricorn, you’ve got to stop caring about what people think. It will be the end of you. We all have a societal mask, but here’s the thing about masks: everyone can see them. The sooner you fess up to being the acceptance-starved creature you are inside, the sooner you will get the unconditional love you crave.
Or, you could spend your whole life never believing anyone TRULY loves you, and faking your own death to test your theory. The results will kill you, regardless of how many people show up.
My mother is an Aquarius. When she got a divorce, she saw the movie “Frida” and decided if she ever married again, her hubby would have to have his own house. That’s not how marriage works, but who am I to squash the marital dreams of a forward-thinking revolutionary artist like Nanny Baker? I just hope she’s prepared to pass away with no one by her side, because I plan to die before I hit 40.
Aquarians, take heed: your precious independence will make your life like that of a beautiful stallions, wild and free. It may also make your death a little lonely.
PISCES: AS A HUMAN SACRIFICE
It’s been said that if you don’t like feeling like a doormat, then get off of the floor, but that would mean you’d have to like, move, and stuff. You know, Pisces, codependency is driven by the agreement that you’ll work on harder someone else’s problem than they do. It’s not love, but it’ll pass for it in some circles, like rehab facilities or 12 step programs. You’ll take it! This way, you can die as you have lived: as a gigantic martyr.
C’mon Pisces, step into your power and use it for good. Otherwise, someone else will claim it.